


Hoping my feelings, they would drown

by Dylanobrienisbatman



Series: 800dylanobrienisbatman [12]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Apologies, Canon Compliant, Explanations, F/M, Fix-It, Heavy Angst, Necessary Conversations, POV Bellamy Blake, Post 5x09
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-13
Updated: 2018-07-13
Packaged: 2019-06-09 19:16:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15274449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dylanobrienisbatman/pseuds/Dylanobrienisbatman
Summary: Clarke comes back and rescues Bellamy from Wonkru, but his fury is still burning him up inside. They have a conversation about choices, and he makes sure she doesn't get to walk away from hers.(Prompt: Bellarke angst "dont worry, i can stop loving you")





	Hoping my feelings, they would drown

He was sitting alone when Clarke quietly entered his room, the prison he was being held in. His fight with Indra had been difficult, he had cuts across his back and a giant gash in his thigh, but neither of them had died. Octavia had called it off, seeing that neither of them were truly fighting to the death, promising another fight tomorrow. Weak and terrified gladiators made for better sport, right? Sitting alone, recounting his emotions for the last few days. 

At first, it had been guilt, high in his throat when she came into the tent and… 

Then it had been sadness, when she had stared him in the eye, and left him to die. 

Then it had been fear, tied up, chained up, locked up, gagged, and lying in wait to fight for his life. 

Then it had been all adrenaline, the hours before the fight making him antsy in his own skin. 

Then it had been anger, staring up through the cage into his sisters face, daring her to let him die in that pit. Daring her to let him kill Indra. She had faltered, and he was tied up again, waiting for his next chance at redemption from the Red Queen who inhabited the body of his sister.

Now it was rage. 

Clarke cracked the door and slid inside, carrying a hush with her as she went. Her eyes were wild, and Madi was nowhere in sight. It was the middle of the night, as far as he could tell, and she wore a cloak and all black, and carried a gun. She found his face, her eyes softening, and then immediately filling with some emotion he couldn’t read, sad and fearful, almost like grief. All he felt was the rage, burning through him. 

He didn’t speak when she came to him, undoing his cuffs. His skin burned where her fingers touched it, the way it always did when she touched him. He ignored it.

He didn’t speak when she led them to the rover under cover of the night, gathering Indra and Gaia as they went. 

He sat in the back of the rover, letting Indra take the front, as they drove off into the night, and still didn’t speak. He let himself stew in the rage. Rage mixed with gratitude for his rescue, but not overshadowed by it. 

They parked, in the woods of the valley, and she led them to a cave not far off, where Madi was waiting for them, shotgun in hand. She ran to him and wrapped her arms around him, throwing him off guard. 

“I’m glad you’re okay.” She whispered into his shirt, and let go quickly, stepping back. Clarke was a ways off, tending the fire, so he knelt to speak to her. 

“I’m glad you’re okay too, kid.” He tugged on her braid hanging over her shoulder, and kept talking. He needed her to know. “I never would have let them hurt you, if you had stayed. You know that right?” He whispered, soft. 

“I know. The spirit of the commanders protected me, anyway.”

“Did they?” He asked, smiling at her. 

“Yeah, a guy was going to kill us but Lexa spoke through me, and he bowed to me. The flame saved us.” 

“I’m really glad.” He said, reaching out to squeeze her shoulder.

“Clarke was mad.”

“I know.” He felt the anger lick up his neck again, but kept his face even, for the kid.

“She said I wasn’t old enough to choose… but… we had to save her life, didn’t we? It was the only way… right?” He paused, looking into the girls eyes. She was so earnest, waiting for him to assure her that they had done the right thing. He knew the feeling. A child, willing to do anything to save their mother, even if it meant risking themselves. He had been that child, he had been that child for sixteen years. He knew the feeling. He nodded, and she smiled, stepping away and walking over to Clarke.

He looked at her, blonde hair in the fire, and his heart ached through the rage. This girl,  _ who he loved _ . He had risked his own life countless times for her, he had poisoned his sister for her, and now he had risked the last thing he could, he had risked his relationship with her,  _ for her _ . Because she couldn’t hate him if she was dead, and one of those two was clearly the better option. He knew from experience, dead Clarke trumps any other option in a showdown for ‘worst option ever’. He felt tears prick at the inner corners of his eyes, and he hauled a breath through his nose, standing, and walking to a corner, lying down on the rocks, pulling his jacket close, and falling asleep almost instantly. 

Turns out rage, a fight to the near death, and a daring escape from a gladiator cult in the dark of night really takes it out of a guy. 

There was a blanket over him when he woke hours later to a dark cave, the embers of the fire burning low, everyone else asleep. His brain, still foggy from sleep, still aching with exhaustion, took a second to figure out who had put it there. Gaia and Indra were curled up face to face, fingers laced together, sleeping near him. Madi was only a little ways away, sprawled out like kids always are. Clarke was over by the fire, her face visible from the gentle glow of the embers. He was too exhausted to feel anything else, so he rolled over and let sleep reclaim him. 

He was awoken in the morning by the sun peaking through the trees into the cave, and he looked over to find Clarke picking through berries on the floor, tossing a few that were unripe into another bowl. He felt the rage building back up in his chest, so he stood, and went outside to pee, separating himself from the face that made his whole body ache with want and burn with fury at the same time. 

When he came back, after finding a nearby stream to rinse his face and take a long drink, he found Clarke alone. He stalled in the entrance to the cave, contemplating going back into the woods, finding something to busy himself with, but Clarke spoke before he could figure out his move. 

“Indra took Gaia and Madi to find us some food…” She seemed awkward, her hands in her lap. She looked at his feet, avoiding his face. 

“Got it.” He said, his voice raw from lack of use and stony, holding his head high and walking into the cave. He was even with her when she spoke again. 

“I made tea, if you want some?” 

“No, I don’t want anything.” He snapped. He tried not to look at her, because seeing her face, sad, trying so hard to reach out, started to cool the anger in him.

“Okay.” She whispered, and he walked on. It wasn’t more than 20 minutes before she walked over, and settled in next to him. 

“Bellamy?” She whispered, her voice shaky. “I just…” 

“You just what?” He spoke up, finding her face, and she looked shellshocked. “You just… got angry because you didn’t like my plan? You just… couldn’t see past your own concerns? You just… thought I’d let her die? You just what, Clarke?” 

“She’s my… she’s all I-“ 

“No, she isn’t. You had me.” 

“You said they were your family!” She half yelled, her voice high. He turned, giving her an incredulous look.

“And you thought that meant you weren’t?”

“Well I just… you said..”

“I said they were my family because you were willing to let them all die. They matter to me, they used to matter to you, and you were willing to let them all die. Echo and Emori, you didn’t know them before… but Raven and Murphy, Clarke? Them being my family doesn’t mean you aren’t, but it certainly means I’m not going to let you just let them die.” He cut off sharp, his voice shaking, not sure if it was anger or tears that were racking his chest. 

“Well, Madi is my family! And you risked her life for…” She paused, her mouth gaping a little. “You risked her life.” She finished. 

“I didn’t. I gave her the choice to put the Flame in her head, but I would have died protecting that girl, just like I promised. You just didn’t give me the chance. But sure, we’ll go with your version, where I risked her life to stop a war, save the last remaining human beings, and save the human race, not to mention the last arable land on earth, and also, YOUR life.” 

“Octavia would never stop hunting her. She would never let her be the commander without a fight!” 

“And I would have fought for her. You just didn’t give me the chance.” She was quiet. “You thought I’d let Octavia hurt her? I promised you I’d keep her safe.” 

“I asked you not too…” Her voice was low again, barely a whisper. “I begged you.” 

“I seem to remember an occasion when the positions were reversed and you didn’t listen to me until it came to the choice to kill me or let me have my way.” He kept his voice low too, speaking into his hands, but she snapped her head in his direction anyway, her eyes wide. 

“That was different, I was trying to… save... us.” She trailed off, finding her feet again. 

“So it’s only okay when YOU make the choice? When the sacrifice isn’t YOURS?” He was half yelling now, and she wasn’t looking at him. 

“That’s not what I-“

“You left me to die.” He finally said, his shoulders sagging under the weight of it. “You… hit me.” He choked out. “You took Madi, and you left me there to die.” HIs face stung with the memory of her slap, and ached with the memory of scars long since healed, scars earned on a cave wall ages ago, from the flying fists of another girl he would have died for, another girl he loved with his whole heart. He looked over at her, just in time to see her cast her eyes quickly back down to her feet. He kept going, because the words were in his throat now. “You left Octavia to die at TonDC, and I was trapped in the mountain because you sent me there, because loosing me was 'worth the risk', and I forgave you. You left Octavia to die in Praimfaya, and chained me up to wait out her death, and shot a gun at me, and I forgave you. You spent a day and a half plotting to kill my sister, and I not only forgave you, I told you that you were probably right.” 

She was crying now, tears pouring down her face, but she let him speak. 

“I have always let you make choices that put me and my sister in actual, physical, immediate danger, and I never…” He paused, flexing his hand, before continuing. “I always forgave you, and protected you, made sure you were safe. I came down to earth and risked my life for you immediately. I poisoned my own sister to save YOU, Clarke. I let Madi choose to take the flame, I told her everything and let her choose, to protect YOU… and you left me there to die.” 

She sat in silence for a while, and the rage that had been starting to temper through saying the words out loud rose up again. 

“It’s fine, Clarke. Don't worry about me. You left me to die, but it’s fine. I know what it’s like, you being dead, and it’s fucking awful. So don’t worry about me,” He stood up, sarcasm dripping from his voice, “I’ll survive this, I can stop loving you, since this time you’re still alive to stop loving.” He went to walk away, not letting himself dwell on what he had said out loud, until her voice broke the silence again. 

“You… what?” He stopped walking, but didn’t turn. Her sobs echoed through the cave. “Bellamy…” Her saying his name broke him, and he turned. She was standing now, tears streaming down her face. “I was all alone… for so long. Even with Madi I was… so alone. And then you came back and I thought… but you put the Flame in Madi and I just…” He stared at her, waiting for something, anything. 

“I made the choice, to save all of us. I know you were alone, I know she’s “all you have”,” He said, letting the sarcasm drip once again, “but it was the right call and I stick by it. I wouldn’t have let her die, but I was certainly going to make sure you didn’t either. And if you don’t like it… if you can’t understand it… well... like I said… I’ll be fine.” He let himself go stone cold again, waiting through thick silence for her to say something. 

“Madi told me you told her I wouldn’t approve.” That was not what he had been expecting her to say, and he stumbled over his own words for a second. 

“Of course I told her. I wouldn’t manipulate a child. I gave her all the information Clarke, including the fact that if she didn’t do it you would die.” She just stared at him, eyes wide. 

“I know.” Her voice was so soft her barely heard her. “I was just afraid. I’m still afraid. We don’t know what the flame will do to her.” 

“Yes we do. She’s here, fully Flamed, and she’s fine. She’s a nightblood, the Flame and her blood were literally made in a lab to go together.” Clarke just stared at him, a look of worry and exhaustion on her face. He suddenly wanted to comfort her, and he spoke again, almost without thinking, in some sort of primal urge to make her less sad. “Besides, she told me the Flame even protected her.” Clarke nodded, but in a way that made him think she was probably really annoyed at having to make that admission. It made him want to smile, at her stubbornness, her inability to admit she was wrong. He curled his nails into his palm instead.  

“I didn’t want this for her.” She whispered again. 

“I know. But you told me to lead with my head Clarke, and that’s what this was. Giving her the Flame… it was…” He paused, the rush of feeling he always had when he thought back to that last day coming bubbling up, tears springing into his eyes, “… this was the only option. I had to save you, I had to try and stop this war, I had to try and stop my sister… this was my only choice.” She looked up, a small smile cracking into her cheeks, and he let one grow on his own face, and it seemed to be what broke them both. Tears came running down their cheeks, a heavy sob coming from Clarke’s chest. He wanted to go to her, but he couldn’t bring himself to, the feeling of the wound on his back stopping him. They stood there and just cried, for a while. 

When she finally spoke again, her words knocked the wind from his chest.

“Please don’t stop loving me, Bellamy.” 

He took a step towards her, involuntary, and she met him in the middle, wrapping her arms around his waist and burying her face in his chest. “I’m so sorry I left you there. I’m so… so sorry.” Her voice was muffled in his shirt, and he tucked his nose into her hair, breathing her in.

She was still crying and he felt tears streaming down his own cheeks, not bothering to wipe them away. He just held her, not sure where to go from there, not sure if it was enough. He just nodded against her head, because even if it wasn’t enough yet, it would be. Even if he couldn’t forgive her right now, he would. Because even if forgiveness was hard for them, he always did. 

They were both alive, so they had time. 


End file.
